A lot of us believe we have to be great at something we’ve just started.

Thank you for reading this post, don't forget to subscribe!

The problem with unrealistic expectations isn’t having them, the problem is continuing to maintain them, while the work of improving the realistic ones are still waiting to be addressed. Suffice to say, unrealistic expectations are counterproductive, have negative consequences, and add an unnatural friction to an otherwise natural process: learning. Most obvious is that they impose stress, and increase anxiety, keeping us in a state of uncertainty, which not only induces, but reinforces self-doubt. 

Unrealistic expectations, like perfectionism, are believed to protect us from negative feedback or criticism. Oftentimes though, it’s used to avoid acknowledging underlying insecurities: we are not good enough as we are. Perfectionism is a way of convincing ourselves we have control and choice over something. Rather than risk disappointment our actual capabilities are less than great, we hope that by striving for excellence, we will magically achieve, or fulfill, some special destiny, and be esteemed by others. However all we are doing is avoiding our actual abilities. We still have to navigate the work necessary to improve them them. 

If you think about it, all the added drama from self-imposed unrealistic expectations, only takes effort away from task at hand. If your focus is achieving excellence, discovering you’re a novice can be discouraging, and difficult to integrate. This can create further cause for anxiety, as well as related physical and emotional symptoms. Like tension, restlessness, difficulty concentrating, and negative thinking patterns. All of which impair your performance, because they activate the sympathetic nervous system, or “fight or flight” response. This triggers the immediate release of stress hormones, such as cortisol and adrenaline, increasing heart rate, blood pressure, and respiration. This make it much more difficult to focus and maintain the necessary attention to perform the task at hand. The brain is preoccupied with preparing to respond to a perceived threat, leaving little attention for much else. This could only impair your ability to perform effectively and efficiently. If you ween’t aware of this it would, understandably, increase your discouragement, and erode self-confidence. This can lead to you becoming less likely to put yourself out there,, ultimately limiting your opportunities for success.

Learning feels like starting from scratch

Learning something new requires making mistakes. A person accidentally zigs when they were supposed to zag. Unfortunately, though, making mistakes is what too often influences whether a person will continue pursuing the skill. They let their prior experience with learning influence whether to continue, rather than the value attributed to what they’re learning, or the enjoyment it provides, and give up out of frustration. The irony, however, is that they might not actually suck at the activity, but lack experience with it.

Learning something new is starting from scratch. Mostly. 

The brain, however, is particularly designed for starting things mostly from scratch. When we learn a new skill, the brain learns both, the right (desired) way and the wrong (undesired) way, simultaneously. While we’re practicing the skill, the brain is monitoring physical and emotional data, and tracking the degree of correlation between each response with the dopamine system to determine which actions increase, and which inhibit, the release of dopamine. The brain is constantly updating, and adjusting the release of dopamine to refine specific actions or responses. Less dopamine/less reward for undesired behaviors, more for desired ones—and based on how well we actually do, now how well we think we should. . So the reward, albeit dopamine, is as real as it is earned. And reward reinforces reward-seeking behaviors, a lack of reward weakens behaviors until they eventually they parish.

No behavior, No rewards

Learning to do anything requires some degree of investment to develop adequate knowledge or skills to do the particular thing. This may mean time, energy, and possibly sucking at it. At least initially. But like any investment, it’s important to have some idea of what you’re investing in. To master something, we need to be able to recognize and understand what mastery of that thing entails. Not just the necessary skills, but understanding the relationship between the skills and mastery of the activity.

We know what they say about advice. So, suffice to say, try not to indulge in perfectionistic or unrealistic expectations, as they actually hinder more than they help. And remember, to be human is to practice by design.