Would you drive to a spot out in the middle of nowhere, leave $200.00 and drive away? What if there was a possibility of finding between $500.00 and $1000.00 when you got there? People do it every weekend. It’s called going to Las Vegas. Although the premise a generalization, and the question hypothetical; it’s meant to show by analogy the difficulty balancing what is, and what could be, or distinguishing possibilities, actualities when accessing relationships.
Thank you for reading this post, don't forget to subscribe!Because, there are people who go to Las Vegas to gamble for fun. But to keep to this, they might set a $200.00 limit, consciously budget into the cost of the trip. Once they play their limit, they stop gambling. I’m not talking about people with gambling addictions. In fact, only 20% of visitors go to Vegas to primarily gamble, while 70% go for the sites, and gambling secondary. I’m talking about that 70%. Those who try to recognize the difference between having fun, and fun possibilities—regardless of winning or losing. They have fun gambling, but once they hit their limit, they walk away with little difficulty. If there’s any problem, it’s little.
As in, with little difficulty. Like, okay, maybe I’ll just take out another $20.00 from the ATM, or use my left over change to play the slots. Harmless, really, maybe even a best case scenario, aside from winning.
But winning is not without its problems. Say a person is good about setting a $200.00 limit, but begins winning. Not crazy amounts. $10.00 at video poker, $20.00 at a black jack table. Two hours in, they’re up $500.00, and feeling like baller. Twenty minutes later, their luck takes a turn, and in an hour they’ve given back the $500.00 in winnings. They still have their $200.00 limit in tact and, all things being equal, should feel good about this. But, if they are human, all they know is the they were $500.00 up! It’s impossible not to want to recapture it. Walking away just got a little more difficult. Let’s not forget they still have their budgeted $200.00 limit. Presuming they are able to continue distinguishing risk from possibility, and stick to their set limit, technically there’s no foul playing it with the hope of recapturing the $500.00 win. Maybe they’ll win. And yet, that may be the problem: maybe. It has all the certainty of a coin toss.
But then maybe the boyfriend who’s always stoned, won’t be stoned tonight. Maybe it’s just a phase. Maybe he will actually quit. Maybe when he finds a job.
What’s worse than losing $200.00? Losing more. That’s why recreational gamblers set limits, consider additional strategies, in case those limits begin to lean towards not walkingaway. Sometimes it’s beneficial to lose early on because in the absence of reward, seeking it wanes.
The problem isn’t sticking to limits, it’s the influence of possibilities which is problematic. Especially if it influences limits to lean to the point of shifting, where certainty is no longer distinguishable from possibilities. Maybe is what draws us toward something real or imagined, and with a lifetime’s worth of yearning and unfulfilled wishes projected all over it, like pornography. Things are what they are here, but there…you could be defiantly successful, with a calendar model on your arm. Just as Las Vegas owns the commercial rights, the desire to be with someone, is internalized and baked into human design, hinged however on: Maybe. The temptation of maybe is predicated on the difficulties Humans have integrating inconclusive information. Nothing foreclosed that is unresolved. That’s why day dreams provide that vague, yet arousing pleasure: maybe they’ll come true. You ask someone out nine times, and nine no’s in a row, but maybe the tenth, will be a yes. Maybe it’s just a waiting game, though maybe the odds are set by the house. As Bob Dylan said, “When you ain’t got nothing, you got nothing to lose.”
Lacan, on the flip side said, Lack creates desire, meaning: When you ain’t got nothing, you only want something more. Psychologists call this, “The Scarcity Principle,” to describe the tendency to value things more when they are scarce or difficult to obtain.
When it comes to either gambling, dating, or romantic relationships, you don’t want to ignore your limits, nor be oblivious to influences, or biases that get you to lean away from them.
In prehistoric times, humans faced many life-threatening situations and had to make choices based on limited information. From an evolutionary perspective, confirmation bias may be selected for the ability to quickly assess whether a situation is dangerous and, if so, making quick choices to avoid, or mitigate the danger. Confirmation bias simplifies decision making. Selectively processing information that confirms our existing beliefs, we can make quicker, more efficient decisions. Especially in situations where time is of the essence, and making poor decisions have severe consequences.
Human have always had certain preferences, expectations, and an ever-improving ability to make judgments regarding the physical traits, personality characteristics, or values they find attractive, and associate with an ideal partner. But that isn’t to say they always made good choices, or didn’t get tripped up by confirmation bias. Like modern day humans they probably also only check the boxes that confirmed their preferences, and left those that contradicted them blank. The leisure we have now to consider a potential partner’s suitability, may only afford us more time to project suitability on a partner. However, we also inadvertently run the risk of encouraging them to behave in ways we approve, creating a positive feedback loop by rewarding the behavior that not only match, but reinforce our biases.
Needless to say, it’s helpful to be aware of your confirmation biases. This isn’t to say our bias necessarily need to change, but for us to have more self-awareness of their influence. An easy way to start is to make a list of top 10 your preferences on a piece of paper or phone, and look at it once a day for a week. Whichever preference jumps out at you, try to discern any biases it reflects, and where these came from, and if they’re valid. You might run some of them by friends, and ask for feedback or examples of their preference to compare and discuss. If sharing your preferences feels like something that’s private, that may be problematic; because keeping confirmation biases to yourself is sure-fire way for them to thrive.
