Riddle me this: Is it wise to seek better, or the tools necessary for improving? In view of the long game, sometimes it’s better to strive for consistency rather than intensity. When it comes to our personal growth and emotional well-being, the tools we use are most effective when applied consistently over time, rather than intensely in short bursts. However, like all of us, personal growth and emotional well-being don’t come easily or immediately. Fortunately, as a psychotherapist, I have access to all sorts of tools that can help navigate this journey.

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The Importance of Gratitude

For example, earlier today, some things were genuinely positive in my life. Although not initially in the gentlest way, I made sure to remind myself to actually recognize how fortunate I am. This exercise in gratitude—appreciating the good things one has—helps to anchor my perspective in positive territory. Gratitude, defined as a deep sense of appreciation for the positive aspects of life, has been shown to improve mental health and emotional well-being. I am extremely fortunate by most people’s standards. Certainly, I’ve taken a few hits, many of my own doing. Suffice it to say, my fortune is mottled but still evident.

Dealing with Cognitive Dissonance

This isn’t a humble or thinly disguised brag. The truth is, it pains and embarrasses me that I should have great difficulties recognizing, much less accepting, my good fortune. It shows bad faith where gratitude suffices. This discomfort points to a cognitive dissonance within me, where I struggle to reconcile my sense of fortune with my feelings of unworthiness. Cognitive dissonance is the mental discomfort experienced by a person who holds two or more contradictory beliefs, ideas, or values at the same time. The purpose of identifying cognitive dissonance is to resolve conflicting beliefs and reduce discomfort. Or in plain terms, it’s like having a mental tug-of-war and wanting both sides to win.

The Practice of Mindfulness

This isn’t really any new insight or realization for me. Whether breakthrough or basic, like any personal realization, recognizing these truths is helpful. But remembering to continue recognizing them in all their sneaky, developmental iterations is, let’s say, healing. This ongoing acknowledgment is an exercise in mindfulness, staying present and fully engaged with the current moment. Mindfulness is the practice of being aware and accepting of the present moment. The purpose of mindfulness is to reduce stress and enhance emotional regulation. Basically, it’s about keeping your cool and not letting your brain run wild.

Understanding Ambivalence

When I get emotionally discombobulated, feeling a mix of contradictory emotions about what are otherwise positive things in my life, I know that this is ambivalence, having simultaneously conflicting feelings. Though challenging, I’ve learned it’s something I experience. Sometimes, I’m fortunate and remember a song lyric that affirms the familiarity of this tendency. Recognizing ambivalence helps in understanding and managing conflicting emotions. In other words, it’s okay to be all over the place sometimes.

“I live in a silver mine but I call it beggar’s tomb.”

These lyrics from the Grateful Dead capture my feeling perfectly. Despite living in a metaphorical silver mine, I often focus on what I lack rather than what I have. This song lyric helps me reframe my situation through cognitive reappraisal, reminding me that my silver is valuable. Cognitive reappraisal is a psychological strategy that involves changing the way one thinks about a potentially emotion-eliciting situation in order to alter its emotional impact. The objective of cognitive reappraisal is to enhance emotional well-being by altering perceptions of stressful situations. Or simply put, it’s about turning lemons into lemonade.

Embracing Self-Compassion

While still true, what was different today was that it felt just a little truer. This had to do with my recognition that, yes, while I am fortunate, I have also taken a few hits. But in the same way few would dispute how I am fortunate, perhaps just as few would dispute the unfortunateness of those hits. Again, suffice it to say: mottled.

So while my fortune isn’t gold, metaphorically speaking, it’s closer to silver. And in reality, enough silver is worth something. This recognition requires a degree of self-compassion, being kind to myself during times of suffering or perceived inadequacy. Self-compassion involves treating oneself with kindness and understanding during difficult times. The purpose of self-compassion is to promote emotional resilience and reduce self-criticism. Basically, it’s about cutting yourself some slack.

Applying Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT)

Embracing my circumstances, both good and bad, reflects an element of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), where I accept my thoughts and feelings without judgment and commit to living according to my values. ACT is a form of therapy that encourages individuals to accept their thoughts and feelings rather than fighting them, and to commit to actions that align with their values. The goal of ACT is to increase psychological flexibility and improve overall well-being. In other words, it’s about rolling with the punches and sticking to what matters.

Building Resilience

This practice of acceptance doesn’t mean giving up. Instead, it builds psychological resilience, the ability to bounce back from adversity. Resilience is the capacity to recover quickly from difficulties. The purpose of building resilience is to enhance the ability to cope with and adapt to challenging situations. Acknowledging the hits I’ve taken while still recognizing my fortune is a testament to my resilience. Or put simply, it’s about being a mental rubber band, snapping back when stretched.

Conclusion

Continuously acknowledging my fortunate moments and their various iterations applies mindfulness to my everyday life. It’s an ongoing journey of recognizing the silver in my life, even when it feels like a beggar’s tomb. This journey, with all its ups and downs, is a reflection of the complex interplay of gratitude, cognitive dissonance, emotional ambivalence, self-compassion, acceptance, and resilience. And in this complexity, there is healing. The takeaway here is that you don’t have to (and it’s unrealistic to) get everything about yourself perfect right out of the gate. Personal growth is a lifelong journey, and sometimes consistency wins out over intensity.