Many of us believe we have to excel at something we’ve just started. This belief often masks feelings of insecurity and fear of not meeting expectations—both others’ and our own. It’s normal to make mistakes and worry that if we aren’t good at something, we will be judged or criticized.

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In any learning process, mistakes show us where we need to improve the most.

The Impact of High Expectations

High expectations can be motivating, but when they are unrealistic, they can clash with our actual achievements. This clash occurs because there’s often a significant gap between what we aim for and what we can realistically achieve. When we consistently fall short of these high standards, we may perceive our efforts as failures. This perceived failure can transform our initial interest and excitement into panic, as we worry about not meeting expectations and fear criticism. Over time, this ongoing conflict erodes our confidence, leading to self-doubt and making us question our abilities. Instead of feeling motivated, we become discouraged and anxious about our performance.

The Problem with Unrealistic Expectations

The issue isn’t having unrealistic expectations, but maintaining them. These expectations add unnecessary stress and hinder our natural learning process. They induce anxiety, keeping us in a state of self-doubt and reinforcing perfectionism.

Understanding Perfectionism

Perfectionism, meant to protect us from criticism, actually stems from a belief that we aren’t good enough. This fear of judgment drives perfectionists to set unattainably high standards in an attempt to prove their worth. For instance, a perfectionist might feel worthy only if they receive praise for their work or achieve significant success. This coping mechanism ties self-worth to external outcomes, which are often beyond control. When they meet their unrealistic standards, they feel temporarily validated; when they don’t, their self-worth plummets. This cycle creates internal pressure, leading to chronic stress and anxiety, reinforcing the belief that they are only valuable if perfect. Thus, it’s a misguided attempt to control self-worth, making it fragile and conditional.

Fear of Success

Similarly, unrealistic expectations can give rise to a fear of success, which causes anxiety when we face the possibility of achieving our goals. This fear can lead to procrastination, self-sabotage, or avoidance. We might worry whether our success is due to our capabilities or a fluke and whether we can handle the responsibilities that come with it.

Both unrealistic expectations and fear of success often stem from low self-esteem and a lack of confidence. When new to an activity, we might not know what’s realistically achievable. This lack of experience can lead to unrealistic expectations and subsequent disappointment.

Achieving Excellence

By setting realistic expectations and focusing on growth, we can achieve excellence in our own unique way. Embracing the learning process, acknowledging our abilities, and setting achievable goals lead to a more positive and fulfilling experience.