To effectively resolve problems as they arise, couples might consider putting some ground rules in place. Sometimes called “relationship guidelines,” these can be agreed-upon courses of action to follow in difficult situations, like arguments or full-on fights. When one’s amygdala is overriding their ability to respond productively and rationally, wouldn’t it be better to have an action plan already in place?

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The Physiological Impact of Conflict

If there’s an irony to conflicts, it’s that it isn’t the argument that’s vexatious, but the physiological experience of arguing. It’s the feeling of being in conflict, not the conflict itself, that triggers our negative emotions. These emotions, fueled by a rush of chemicals in our brain, activate the fight, flight, or freeze response. This happens in milliseconds, potentially increasing the length and intensity of negative emotional states, which in turn compromise our ability to think clearly.

The 90-Second Rule

Recent studies in neuroscience reveal that negative emotions triggered during relationship conflicts actually last for only 90 seconds. However, these feelings often linger and intensify because we get sucked into them, influenced by our past experiences of conflict. Each of us has internal narratives and beliefs that make us susceptible to specific emotional triggers, leading to prolonged negative states.

Taking a Time-Out

Understanding our internal narratives is important, but it’s not always realistic in the heat of an argument. It may be more productive to simply step away and take a break rather than risk escalating negative feelings. Here’s where the concept of taking a time-out comes in.

Benefits of Time-Outs:

• Avoid turning conflicts into negative drama
• Mitigate emotional reactivity
• Regain composure
• Improve the chances of resolving conflicts constructively

Guidelines for Effective Time-Outs

I usually suggest time-outs last anywhere from 20-30 minutes, with specific guidelines discussed and agreed upon by both partners beforehand. This way, if either partner feels the need to take a break from a difficult or triggering situation, they can do so without escalating the conflict. Here are some examples of guidelines:

• Avoid drinking alcohol or using drugs
• Don’t eat a large meal
• Avoid solitary activities like watching porn

Collaborating on Guidelines

Creating these guidelines should be a collaborative effort. Treat it as a team-building exercise to ensure both partners participate and have a say in shaping the relationship. If one partner can’t agree to a specific guideline, continue discussing, amend it, or set it aside for now. View this process as a learning opportunity to be improved with practice.

The Importance of Individual Time-Outs

Taking a time-out should be determined individually, not negotiated between partners in the midst of an argument. There’s a Jay-Z lyric I often share with couples to make this point clear: “What you eat, don’t make me shit.” Each partner needs to be able to take care of themselves as they see fit. If in the heat of the moment, one partner needs a time-out or break, the other partner may protest this or continue pursuing the argument due to their emotional state. It’s like the idea that one has to put on their own oxygen mask before helping another put theirs on. It’s important for couples to have differentiation to resolve conflicts rather than become fused in a co-dependent push-pull dynamic.

Practical Tips for Time-Outs

• Text Notifications: When a time-out ends, it can be helpful for one partner to text the other to let them know they are ready to return. If more time is needed, communicate this clearly and specify a concrete time to resume.
• Respect Each Other’s Needs: Although every partner has the right to take a time-out, it’s crucial to maintain respect and understand that the other may not initially see it the same way. Consistently and reliably carrying out time-outs can prevent arguments from escalating.

Conclusion

In the world of relationships, control is the equivalent of the F word. Just as nobody wants to be controlled, nobody wants to be perceived as controlling. When emotions are volatile, it’s best to steer clear of uncertainty. By agreeing on specific guidelines for time-outs beforehand, couples can increase the likelihood of staying less reactive and more composed during conflicts.

Establishing and practicing these guidelines takes time and effort, but the benefits of reduced emotional reactivity and healthier conflict resolution are well worth it. Start discussing and implementing these strategies with your partner today to build a stronger, more resilient relationship.