Ambivalence is not simply indecision; it’s a much deeper emotional conflict, where two opposing desires or thoughts are at odds with each other. This conflict often leaves us in a state of uncertainty, unable to move forward. It’s not just about not knowing what to choose—it’s about feeling stuck between wanting two incompatible things.

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Understanding Ambivalence

Ambivalence frequently shows up when we’re caught between our desires and our realities. We want to pursue something, but we’re afraid of failure. We want to commit to a decision, but we’re unsure of what the outcome might be. These internal conflicts can leave us feeling stuck and confused, often preventing us from taking action.

Ambivalence doesn’t just occur in isolated incidents; it’s a pattern that can spread into different areas of our lives. Recognizing these deeper conflicts can help us understand the broader context of our feelings, allowing us to find clarity and begin addressing the underlying issues.

Ambivalence as a Protective Mechanism

Ambivalence often acts as a defense mechanism, allowing us to avoid confronting difficult truths or making tough decisions. By staying in a state of uncertainty, we avoid the discomfort of fully committing to one path while keeping the other open as a fallback option.

This state of uncertainty can shield us from dealing with uncomfortable emotions like fear, inadequacy, or failure. But while ambivalence might protect us in the short term, it can also prevent us from fully engaging with life and the opportunities that come our way.

The Allure of Ambivalence

Emotional states, like behaviors, can become addictive. Ambivalence offers a psychological suspense, much like gambling or impulsively checking your stock portfolio. This tension can create a sense of engagement, even when it’s unproductive or frustrating.

Our brain’s reward system plays a role here. The release of dopamine in moments of uncertainty keeps us hooked, even when we know that not making a decision is hindering us. Ambivalence narrows our focus, making us fixate on a singular goal, often to the exclusion of other important aspects of life.

Just like addiction to a substance can help someone escape challenges or responsibilities, ambivalence can trap us in a loop where we cling to a dream or habit without fully committing to it. Recognizing ambivalence as addictive can help explain why we keep returning to the same unresolved dilemmas.

Client Example: The Dream Not Pursued

A client once told me they’d wanted to be a singer in high school. They spent hours practicing, even bought a microphone and amp, and took a few singing lessons. But when I asked what happened with singing, they hesitated and said, “It just never happened.”

As we discussed their difficulties with commitment in their life now, it became clear that their relationship with singing reflected a pattern. They admitted that they had never gotten good at it and eventually stopped practicing. However, for years, they held onto the idea of becoming a singer, telling themselves, “One day, I’ll really pursue it.” But the reality was, they never took the steps needed—like joining choir or performing publicly.

What struck me was their realization that singing had given them a purpose at the time, even though they hadn’t fully engaged with it. They told me, “It was the only thing I had going on in high school. I wasn’t into sports, I didn’t have real friends, and I wasn’t engaged in school. Singing gave me something to focus on.”

When I asked why they didn’t pursue other things, like friendships or activities, they said they felt incapable—like singing was all they had, even though they didn’t truly have that either. They hadn’t tested their singing outside the safety of their bedroom, and by protecting that one thing, they also prevented themselves from pursuing anything else. In the end, they lost the very thing they were holding onto because they never fully committed to it.

It reminded me of how addiction can work—focusing on one thing (a dream or substance) to the exclusion of other beneficial activities. Just like addiction, this focus can be an escape, a way to avoid responsibilities, challenges, and the general upkeep of life. The pursuit of singing, like an addictive habit, became a kind of secret they held onto, one that protected them from risking failure but also prevented them from growing in other areas.

I reflected on this with them: “It sounds like you lost something you never actually had. The dream of being a singer gave you meaning, but you never brought it into the world to see what it could become.”

The Consequences of Ambivalence

While ambivalence might seem like a safe place to reside by allowing us to avoid difficult decisions or the risk of failure, it comes with significant consequences:

Stagnation and Paralysis

One of the most immediate consequences of ambivalence is a sense of stagnation. Being stuck in ambivalence prevents progress, often leading to missed opportunities and a lack of growth. It can feel as though time is passing, but nothing is changing.

Prolonged ambivalence can lead to a feeling of being stuck, where moving forward in careers, relationships, or personal growth becomes difficult.

Erosion of Self-Confidence

Ambivalence erodes self-confidence. Every time we hesitate or second-guess ourselves, we reinforce the belief that we’re not capable of making decisions or achieving success. This can further deepen the cycle of ambivalence.

The inability to make decisions or commit to a course of action can slowly chip away at self-esteem, creating a cycle of self-doubt.

Strained Relationships

Ambivalence doesn’t just affect the individual; it can strain relationships as well. Being stuck in ambivalence can complicate our connections with others, leaving us emotionally distant or uncertain about how to move forward in key relationships.

Ambivalence begets ambivalence, right?

Commitment as the Path Forward

Breaking free from ambivalence requires commitment, not necessarily to an outcome, but to a process. Rather than keeping our options open indefinitely, we need to engage fully with where we are, accepting both the limitations and opportunities that come with it.

When we stop hovering between different choices and fully commit to a process, we can begin to see real progress, even if the results aren’t immediate. Commitment is about trusting the journey, rather than focusing solely on the destination.

The Necessity of Commitment

Commitment is key to breaking free from ambivalence. By fully engaging with your current reality and accepting where you are, it’s possible to move forward with clarity and purpose. Commitment involves confronting fears and vulnerabilities but ultimately leads to growth and progress.

Rather than viewing commitment as a limitation, it can be seen as a liberating force that allows deeper investment in your chosen path. This type of commitment leads to greater satisfaction, personal growth, and a more stable sense of identity.

Conclusion: Moving Forward from Ambivalence

Ambivalence isn’t about just one thing—it’s about fear, identity, and the struggle to commit to a path. Understanding this can help you see that the only way to truly grow is to embrace where you are in the process now, not where you’re not yet.

Commitment isn’t just about choosing a path; it’s about choosing to be present in that path, to work with what you have, and to trust that through dedication, you will improve. It’s about letting go of the fear that keeps us stuck and embracing the journey, wherever it may lead.

Call-to-Action: Reflecting on Ambivalence

Know that I appreciate you taking the time to read through this exploration of ambivalence, but let’s take it a step further. Take a moment to reflect on an area of your life where you feel conflicted or uncertain. Write down 3-5 things you’re in conflict with—focusing more on themes or ideas rather than specific situations.

Now, try to apply those same themes to other aspects of your life. Do they show up in different ways? Are they part of a larger pattern? Ambivalence often isn’t about just one thing—it can reflect deeper internal conflicts that influence many areas of life. By recognizing these connections, you might uncover patterns that help you move toward greater clarity and resolve.

If ambivalence is something you’ve been struggling with, the first step toward breaking free is committing to a process, even if the results aren’t immediate. Trust in the journey, and remember that growth comes from fully engaging with where you are right now.