Ask ten therapists to explain codependency, and you’ll likely get ten different explanations. That’s because codependency isn’t an officially recognized diagnosis like depression or anxiety. Given its clinical ambiguity, some therapists might introduce codependency with a caveat: “Don’t take this the wrong way, but…” Codependency has a reputation that precedes it, like easy-listening jazz or the ’80s pop boy band of psychology—it once topped the charts, but now it plays gigs at casino resorts or wineries.

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But let’s be fair, it’s hard to define codependency. What is being codependent? If one isn’t familiar with the psychological terrain, it’s equally hard to recognize the patterns particular to codependency. It’s quite possible it may seem equally unfamiliar and hard for someone with codependent tendencies to recognize these patterns—initially, at least. Yet, both would benefit from having an understanding of what it means to be codependent—before going in hog wild and identifying as a codependent person. Understanding codependency goes beyond merely recognizing its patterns. It’s about delving into how these behaviors manifest in your relationships and affect your sense of self. Seeking a better understanding of codependency helps with recognizing codependent behaviors and traits, or whether they resonate with how you are in relationships. In this way, one either gains a better understanding of codependency or has a better start to begin addressing it.

Defining Codependency

So, what exactly is codependency? Jonathan Becker, a professor of clinical psychiatry at Vanderbilt University, offers this definition: “any relationship in which two people become so invested in each other that they can’t function independently anymore.” While this definition is clear, it primarily frames codependency as a relational issue, rather than an individual one. Unfortunately, this can be misleading.

While Becker’s definition provides a useful starting point, it’s important to recognize that codependency is a complex and multifaceted issue. A full understanding requires looking beyond this simple definition to explore the individual patterns and behaviors that contribute to codependent dynamics.

Saying codependency is primarily caused by or expressed through being in a relationship is like saying poor communication is the result of simply talking to another person.

The truth is, one person can bring codependency into a relationship all by themselves. It doesn’t take two codependents to tango. In fact, codependency can exist independently, regardless of a person’s relationship status. Codependency is the result of a set of patterns and behaviors ingrained in the codependent person’s psyche, which influences their actions. If codependency were purely relational, it could be “cured” by breaking up. Unfortunately, codependency isn’t that simple—it’s more like a virus that lingers, with the codependent person as its host.

The Roots of Codependency

It all starts with the parents. Parents are essentially a child’s world and, more importantly, their means of survival. When parents fail to meet their child’s needs, it’s perceived as a threat to survival. A child will adapt to ensure their needs are met. For instance, a child with a narcissistic parent might learn to protect the parent’s vulnerability, though knowing that exposing the parent’s narcissism could lead to anger, rage, withdrawal, or worse. Over time, the child becomes responsible for the parent’s emotional well-being to ensure survival, though at the cost of losing their sense of Self, or knowing where they end and their parent begins. What should be a Venn diagram becomes an eclipse, gradually blotting out the child’s individuality.

Fast forward to adulthood, and these learned behaviors continue to play out in relationships. “Codependency,” says New York Times writer Carol Weis, “is about the relationship you have with yourself.” A popular concept of codependency is one in which someone is in a relationship with an addicted partner. This gives less attention to the characteristics and behaviors either the person or their partner developed to cope with childhoods marked by addiction, emotional instability, trauma, or mental illness. However, it’s these behaviors that often feed into a recurring theme of low self-worth experienced by codependent individuals. Tina Tessina, PhD, LMFT, and WebMD contributor, writes with a similar puzzlement: “It’s kind of a weird term, codependent. It doesn’t sound like it means a one-sided relationship, but often that’s what it becomes.” Tessina elsewhere suggests that the codependent finds themselves “trying to make their relationship work with someone else who’s not.”

The Codependent’s Dilemma

To better understand the common tendencies of a codependent person, it’s important to recognize the underlying needs these behaviors are trying to fulfill—even though they often send mixed messages that ultimately work against the codependent in relationships. One of the most prevalent tendencies is an intense focus on others at the expense of the self. Initially, this might appear as excessive compliance or an extreme sensitivity to another’s needs, to the point of self-sacrifice, while simultaneously avoiding expressing their own needs, especially when it comes to developing intimacy.

While this behavior serves the codependent’s need for attachment, it does so in a way that prioritizes the other person’s needs above their own, in a bid to maintain the emotional connection—though often at a significant personal cost. This is where mixed messages come into play. The codependent begins to exhibit controlling and manipulative behaviors, not out of malice, but as a means to keep the relationship intact. These behaviors often stem from a deep-seated fear of abandonment and a belief that maintaining control is the only way to preserve the relationship. It’s like an ordinary love story with a dark plot twist.

Instead of openly expressing their needs or minor dissatisfactions with the relationship, the codependent often resorts to indirect methods. These negative traits—though unacknowledged—are intended to signal their underlying dissatisfaction. It’s not necessarily a desire to end the relationship, but rather a desire for the partner to feel the codependent’s dissatisfaction and, hopefully, respond by behaving more in line with how the codependent wishes to be treated.

However, the fear of hurting the other person often prevents the codependent from communicating their feelings directly. This fear outweighs their own needs, leading them to stay in unhealthy relationships. They may entertain promises of change from their partner, only to find themselves back in the same cycle of disappointment.

Rather than ending a poor relationship and finding a more suitable partner, codependents often double down on trying to make the current partner more suitable. This is why they are often referred to as enablers—they focus on what they have rather than exploring alternatives. Enablers frequently feel over-giving and under-appreciated, which only reinforces the fact that their needs remain unmet by their partners. As a result, they let resentments build and resort to manipulative behaviors disguised as people-pleasing or caretaking. Ironically, enablers end up being very poor givers.

The Paradox of Codependency

Codependency operates in a back-and-forth negotiation of what is lacking in the codependent but trying to seek and attain it in what is equally lacking in others. Jacques Lacan, the French psychoanalyst, suggested that “desire is a relation to being to lack.” In other words, desire arises from what is missing. For the codependent, this lack becomes a driving force, compelling them to fill the void in others in hopes of finally fulfilling their own needs.

While Lacan’s theory offers a deeper philosophical view, a more practical understanding of codependency can be found through the concept of boundaries. Healthy relationships have clear boundaries, but codependency blurs these lines, making it difficult to distinguish where one person ends and the other begins. This lack of boundaries is often rooted in childhood experiences, where the child learned that their needs would only be met if they aligned perfectly with their parents’ needs.

Practical Steps for Addressing Codependency

Recognizing codependent patterns is the first step toward breaking free from them. Here are some practical steps you can take:

1. Set Boundaries: Start by setting small boundaries in your relationships. This could mean saying ‘no’ to a request that feels overwhelming or taking time for yourself without feeling guilty. Remember, it’s not selfish to prioritize your own needs—it’s essential for your well-being.
2. Reflect on Your Motivations: Ask yourself why you feel compelled to take care of others or fix their problems. Are you trying to earn their love or approval? Understanding your motivations can help you address the root causes of your behavior.
3. Seek Support: Therapy, support groups, and self-reflection can all be valuable tools in reclaiming your sense of self and establishing healthier relationships. Don’t hesitate to seek professional help if you’re struggling to make changes on your own.

Examples of Codependency in Action

Let’s consider a hypothetical case study: Jane, a 35-year-old woman, is in a relationship with Mark. Mark has a history of substance abuse, and while he’s been sober for several months, he struggles with maintaining his sobriety. Jane constantly monitors his behavior, making sure he attends A.A. meetings and avoids circumstances that could trigger his desire to drink. But in doing so, she neglects her own needs and hobbies, focusing entirely on keeping Mark on track. Jane believes that if she can just keep Mark sober, everything will be okay. But despite her efforts, Mark relapses, and Jane blames herself.

This scenario illustrates a common pattern in codependency—taking responsibility for someone else’s well-being while neglecting your own. Jane’s focus on Mark’s sobriety is a way to avoid dealing with her own feelings of inadequacy and fear of abandonment. This scenario not only shows how codependency manifests as self-neglect but also highlights a key aspect of codependency: an addiction to the potential of others. This fixation often keeps codependents trapped in relationships, as they invest in who their partner could be rather than accepting who they are right now.

The Impact of Modern Relationships and Social Media

In today’s world, social media and modern relationship dynamics can exacerbate codependent tendencies. The constant, though underlying, need for validation on platforms like Instagram or Facebook can mirror the approval-seeking behavior seen in codependency. However, studies have shown that excessive social media use can lead to feelings of inadequacy and dependency on external validation, further fueling codependent behaviors. The constant comparison fostered by social media platforms can further erode a codependent’s self-worth, making them even more reliant on external validation.

Conclusion: Breaking the Cycle

Recognizing codependent patterns is the first step toward breaking free from them. Take time to reflect on your relationships—are they balanced, or do you find yourself constantly giving without receiving? If you identify with these behaviors, consider reaching out for support. Therapy, support groups, and self-reflection can all be valuable tools in reclaiming your sense of self and establishing healthier relationships.

Remember, as we discussed at the beginning, even ten different therapists might define codependency in ten different ways. This is because codependency is a learned behavior with many facets, and no single definition can capture its full complexity. However, with the right tools and support, the patterns of codependency can be unlearned. It’s never too late to prioritize your own well-being and create healthier, more fulfilling relationships.